by Aurora Bordeaux
I’m regularly unnerved by those Han-Soloed bronze children in parks and shopping malls, frozen for all time without ever being able to catch that midair ball. I’ll be walking, minding my own biz, when all of a sudden I’m face to face with a ring of stunned metal kids soldered to the ground playing jacks or whatever. They look like they could survive a nuclear bomb and still be sitting there playing those jacks, but I don’t think they’re actually happy in their neverending game. Why do people think these bronze children are endearing? What is so great about preserving childhood–permanently?
Newborn photography is another weird one. Artsy fartsy photos of babies have become a requisite for proper parenthood, and just about every youth minister’s wife has taken up the trade of capturing fresh life on a black background or wedging babies into fuzzy crochet contraptions and dangling them from coat hangers while they’re asleep.
But I’m even more disturbed by the trend of slapping newborn babies into socks to take their pictures. What is it about socks that makes people want to do this? I have never tried to put my perfect-in-every-way labradoodle, Bosco, in a sock. Okay, just that one time…
Some of these new-wave baby portraits can be touching or cute. But some are freaky deeky weird. (If you’re reading this and you photograph babies for a living, of course I’m not talking about your photography, since yours is obviously wonderful.)
Here is a collection of some bizarre-o baby pics for your viewing pleasure, complete with captions of what I’d say if I were these poor babes.